"Que Sera Sera" ("Whatever Will Be Will Be")

"Que Sera Sera"

My Life...

His birth can be likened to Doris Day's classic "Que Sera Sera" (which means "Whatever will be will be..."). According to the myth surrounding his birth which he researched, he gathered that after being married to his Dad, his mother had a four year conception delay before she could conceive and have him. Within this waiting period, his father married another wife. (It is an ancient tradition in the western part of Nigeria that when a man marries and the wife experiences a delay in child conception the man takes another wife with the belief that the conception of the second wife will 'open' the womb of the first wife.) It is not clear to him till date whether this was why his father took a second wife at the time or it was just some show of a typical African man's self aggrandisement. As it had been predestined by the Creator of heaven and earth and all that dwells within it, this boy's mother, who had had a four year delay conceived and gave birth to him before the second wife of his father could conceive and give birth to any child. Indeed "Que Sera Sera" (Whatever will be will be...!)        

Polygamous bickering.

Being the first of eight siblings from a relatively rich polygamous family, he enjoyed the privilege of the (long  awaited) first child and son of the house. Unknown to him (which he was even oblivious of as a baby at the time), this privilege was however to be short lived. The characteristic bickering typical of wives married to one man in a polygamous family soon held sway. The incessant bitter quarrels between these women on sometimes very trivial matters became unbearable for all. At the end of the day, the man of the house divorced his first wife at a time when her son was just two years old. This boy was however left to be raised by his stepmother. The reality that obtains in a typical polygamous home is that every mother looks out for her own children (in most cases) alone, there is a regular competition between wives to win the favour of their husband  (in the appropriation of family resources) and see to it that one wife's children excel better than that of the other wife or wives in ALL things. This unhealthy way of life leads to all manner of harms (emotional, spiritual, physical etc.) as each wife sees the other one or ones as arch-rival(s) and enemy or enemies. This pathetic enmity often cascade down to the children.

This obnoxious atmosphere was the one in which this poor heir apparent was left to grow after his mother left due to irreconcilable differences between his parents. He was at the mercy of his mother's arch-rival for his motherly upbringing after his father cunningly went to bring him back from His grandparents' where his mother took him briefly after the divorce. Ever since he was born as the first child of the family inspite of his mother's initial delay in conception, his stepmother saw him as a threat of some sort and one that by birth will always have a birthright first place before her own children. Naturally an unspoken enmity brewed. This woman did all she could in her power to always discredit this poor boy before his father as he grew up. To the general public who never knew that theirs was a polygamous home, (if asked about the boy; as it was obvious that she is not the mother from physical looks) she was always quick to tell them that: "the boy was not her husband's legitimate son as he was born out of wedlock and her husband never married her mother." In addition to this, this woman subjected this boy to all manner of chores ranging from laundry, scrubbing of the floor, doing the dishes, purchase of kerosene, sugar, grind pepper, at sometimes, very oddly late periods in the night, despite the fact that they had two paid domestic staff whose duties it was to do these chores. If he was sent on an errand and he came at a time adjudged to be too late, he was served the trouncing of his life by his stepmother.

Malicious treatment.

The malicious treatment this poor boy was subjected to by his stepmother made it clear to him that this woman couldn't be his mother. At the time he never even knew that he has a mother that once lived with them and was divorced by his father. His indifferent father never for once disclosed the truth about his babyhood to him and definitely not the high handed stepmother (who had made frantic efforts at deceiving the public about the identity of this boy) will disclose this to him. The growing ill treatment meted to him by his stepmother got him thinking that he must perhaps have a mother somewhere; whether alive or dead! His misery about his identity in this family was to be compounded when on one Christmas morning this boy who has artistic talent designed a card-like gift for his father and stepmother with their full names appended on these 'cards'. On presenting that of his stepmother to her at the door of her bedroom, on reading through, instead of commending the poor boy, she angrily queried why he being a little boy will write her full name as though they were age mates. The boy was confused as he was for once expecting this woman to commend him, but on the contrary she descended on him and rained knocks and spanks on him. This was too much for this boy to bear as he broke down in uncontrollable tears. As the knocks and spanks descended on him his stepmother aggravated them with verbal abuses. It was in the course of this verbal outburst that his stepmother said something that got him seriously dejected and determined to find out who he really was! His stepmother labeled him a bastard!

Left to loneliness.

From then on he lived like a loner in the midst of his siblings and this caused him to grow into a very  independent young boy who does not expect to be helped in any matter by anybody since nobody stood for him in his father's house. His father married yet again years after to a third wife. It was through this new wife that this boy ever experienced what is called a mother's tender loving care for the first time in his almost miserable childhood. He increasingly got endeared to his second stepmother who showed him unreserved love just as she showed to her own three children that she bore for his father. As expected, this new found love did not go down well with this boy's first stepmother. In a not too distant time this became the source of regular quarrels between these two wives. While the second stepmother always stood for this boy just as she did for her children before their husband, the first stepmother resisted it. It was through this second stepmother that this boy learnt about his mother, her identity and part of what led to the divorce between his parents, having been told by her husband (his father). These facts and more he later confirmed as he became an adolescent, from sources in his father's extended family loyal still to his divorced mother.

Grown man.

As this boy became an adult, by virtue of his childhood experience he struggled with low self-esteem, anger, bitterness and malice. The experience also toughened him to become a determined-to-succeed person, an independent person who is never waiting for perks or help from people. Some (friends, family, colleagues etc.) have seen this attitude of his of always being reluctant to ask for help (even when it is glaring he needs it) as arrogant or prideful, but he is just being a 'victim' of the by product of his childhood experience. This attitude has brought him a mix bag of positive and negative returns. Through conscious personal development, reformation and re-invention this young man today has overcome his low self-esteem, anger, bitterness and malice syndromes and is helping others (through his speaking work at workshops, seminars, trainings, through his writing work in articles, magazines, blogs like this, and in one-on-one contact sessions in counselings and mentorship) who are going through same to overcome same challenge, having discovered that no matter who hurt you in time past these emotional flaws if not overcome, can destroy one's destiny! That same one time ill treated boy now a full grown man is ME! Oladele Olunike.

My Lessons...

1. ALL experiences (good, bad, ugly) work together for your good (to your advantage) as long as you respond with the right attitude. I did not know this though many years ago as that little boy in my father's house of 'horror'. Please do not mind me; 'house of horror' was what my little brain at the time reasoned it to be, with the weight of what I was going through as only a little boy.

2. The one who maltreats you is only toughening and empowering you to be able to face and subdue tougher situations in future. Ironically, the mistreatments I suffered years ago has only helped me today to be able to face any difficult or antagonistic situation, with a no-retreat-no-surrender attitude. Thanks to my first stepmother! Heh...heh...heh...(Chuckled).

3. Since no one ever stood for me at the onset in my childhood, I developed the independent spirit that tells me always: "Oladele, if you don't do it, nobody will help you." Except God of course! I have been criticised by friends, family, colleagues etc. for my independence (not asking for or wanting people to help me in anything even when I need help). This, from my experience has its positives and negatives. I have benefited immensely from the positives. It has freed me from the disappointments and heartbreaks that many suffer when they expect help from people who have promised same and fail to live up. However, because no one knows it all, now I am learning to receive help as often as I need same, particularly from people who truly like to be of help (my friends, family, colleagues etc. who have caringly criticised my not asking for help). Thank you guys!

4. Every experience is a veritable source of helpful lesson for personal growth into maturity and the future. Without any iota of flattery, the tough childhood I had set the pace for a firm foundation for my personal growth in life. By virtue of hind sight today, I have NO regret that I went through that path, because in many inexplicable ways I perhaps wouldn't have been able to dare the things I have dared today in business, career and personal life without traveling through such a tough childhood.

Whatever you are experiencing today, should be a source of lesson for the near or distant future. Never let it weigh you down because "Que Sera Sera!"  Wish you an edutaining time!